Howefitz Blog

Tiger Woods: Family Man

The other night, after a very long, very hard day of work, I found myself on the half hour drive home without the radio on. My head was swimming in thoughts of a better life. There has to be a better solution, I found myself thinking. There has to be a better way…

I have fallen victim to looking for ‘get-rich-quick’ schemes before. I don’t think there’s anyone out there that hasn’t entertained the idea of a quick fix to the financial blues. Short of robbing a bank, good natured people buy lottery tickets, go to ‘network marketing’ seminars, and swear if they just blog a little longer, those Google ads will start to pay off…

So I’m driving home from work contemplating all the schemes I’ve dreamed up and rehashing why each one didn’t work out, searching for a deeper meaning, surely those experiences should have taught me something. I can turn those failures into a success…

Then, as suddenly as if a golf ball smacked my windshield, the answer occurred to me. I was trying way too hard. The solution was incredibly simple: Between my wife and I, one of us had to have an affair!

It was elegant in it’s simplicity. I would go home and approach the subject with delicate care. Maybe I would prepare a nice meal before my great proposal. It wouldn’t matter which of us cheated, we just needed a tale of infidelity. We could draw straws, roll dice, or take the best two out of three in a fast and furious match of rock, paper, scissors, lizard, Spock. The winner (or perhaps the loser?) would have wild probably unprotected sex with a complete stranger(s). The affair would last for a few months before the bomb would be dropped to the other. There would be a huge uproar and one of us would wreck the car, ensuring that the affair would get out in to the public.

That’s when life would get great for me and my family. We would be whisked away into tabloid infamy. Everyone would want to hear and retell our story. After the inevitable fallout and eventual reunion, we would co-author the book of our harrowing tale. The book would be made into a movie directed by Oliver Stone, and years later there would be a documentary by Ken Burns revealing how it all really happened.

My wife and I would renew the love we had for each other and come out stronger, and richer, than ever before! We would never have to work again, and the heart-breakingly honest posts on my blog about the ordeal would become an overnight sensation, and those Google ads would finally pay off…

Before I pulled in to my driveway, I realized the reality of my situation. It wouldn’t happen like that. I am a card carrying member of the Average Guy Club. I’m not famous like Tiger Woods or Brad Pitt or John Edwards. An affair would only result in the loss of my children and monthly alimony. I returned to sane normalcy once again.

Tiger upset because he was caught? Or did he blow a putt?

I’m not a sports guy. I couldn’t tell you the difference between a double bogie and a birdie. But of course I’ve heard of Tiger Woods. I understand that he has been a great role model for children black and white alike. He is a testament to what one can achieve when you put your mind to something and believe in yourself. But what he did?

Sadly, what he did isn’t all that uncommon. People are unfaithful every single day. For most of us, if we emulate Tiger’s bad behavior, it would destroy our homes. For Tiger? That remains to be seen.

Right now, Tiger is focusing his attention on ‘being a better husband, father, and person’, according to his statement on tigerwoods.com. He’s on an ‘indefinite break from professional golf’ in order to do so. A lot of his endorsement deals have gone south. Well, except for Nike, but then, I’m sure in these bad economic times Nike still thinks Americans don’t want to make shoes to earn a living. When you’re slogan is ‘Just do it’, who else do you want representing you than an unfaithful husband? Tiger, as is his style, has refused any big interviews with the media. They’ve resorted to interviewing his caddie for any information on if or when his great return might happen. He wishes to be left alone in order to deal with this matter privately.

On one hand, I hope Tiger is raked over the coals for what he did. I hope he loses everything. On the other hand, I hope he gets a chance to deal with the situation in private with his family, like normal every day people would be able to. Whether it’s you or I that’s cheating, or a high profile athlete, movie star, or politician, the level of excitement should be the same. Unfortunately, it isn’t. When you step in it and you’re famous, there’s bound to be a circus, and you’re in the center ring.

Of course, all my above scheming was completely tongue-in-cheek. I tell my wife that she is the center of my universe so much that I’m sure it’s gotten as stale as the phrase ‘I love you’ itself. There are physicists out there trying to find one great unifying theory, one theory that will explain everything. For me, they’re wasting their time. I have my one unifying answer to Life, The Universe, and Everything, and I married her.

As for my ‘get-rich-quick’ scheming? I’m done with that for now. Although, maybe my wife can get pregnant with octuplets…

This post is part of a much bigger project over at Dad-Blogs called ‘Dad Bloggers Project: Leave Tiger Alone‘. While I’ll do my very best to keep the links below current and updated, your best bet is to return to the scene of the crime at Dad-Blogs for other Dad Bloggers who want to relate their feelings about Tiger’s scandalous affair.

Tiger Woods: Other Dad Bloggers Speak Out:

• Go F*ck Yourself Tiger at The Daddy Files
• Et Tu Tiger?: What men (and dads) can learn from Tiger Woods at Real Men Drive Minivans
• Leave Tiger Alone. But Tiger, Don’t Leave Us Alone at Son Of Mine
• Tiger Woods Y’all by Joeprah
• Tisk Tisk Tiger, Shame on You America at Hockeymandad
• Tiger Tiger, Burning Bright, Driving Your Car Into a Tree at Night by Christopher VanDijk
• A SAHD’s Thoughts On Tiger Woods Transgressions at Steely Dad
• Is The Problem With Tiger Or Is The Problem With Us? at Dear Mr. Man

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