Ice Cream and Sexual Assault: The Connection (The Art of Asking the Right Questions)
Could this really cause someone to rape you? Hmmm....
Today, we paid another visit to Dr. Werner’s office. This time around, it was just a normal checkup. Today we actually got an ‘official’ due date! Or, as official as this sort of thing can be…
My wife had guessed that she is due on August 21, according to the last ultrasound, the date is August 22, and from counting from the LMP (Last Menstrual Period), the date is August 24. Our previous kids ran over time, so I’m placing my bet now on the 28th.
The doctor did an ultrasound, but warned us that we may not hear anything because it is so early. We started to hear a sound like ‘Thump-Thump. Thump-Thump.”
“Ok, now that’s you.” the doctor explained to my wife. He then moved around his gooey magic wand until we heard a ‘thbump-bumpthbump-bump.’ “There’s the baby!”
“See?” I whispered to Calli, our two year old, who was sitting on my lap. “That’s your little brother or sister!” Calli looked a little like I was crazy. “There’s a baby in your Mommy’s tummy, and we’re listening to it’s heart!” Calli smiled and really studied the device in the doctor’s hand.
The doctor turned it so we could hear better. “Hear it?” he asked.
“Yeah!” I answered. Calli just kept smiling.
After that came the mandatory question and answer period that comes with any doctor visit. We asked about prenatal vitamins and whether or not the heartbeat sounded good. He assured us that everything sounded perfect.
My wife said, “Ok, I have a question and I know you’re gonna be like-” she rolled her eyes and made a kind of ‘gah!’ sound.
“No, go ahead.” the doctor assured her.
“Well, I read on the internet that the hormone count is directly related to the baby’s health. Is that true?”
At which point I wanted to yell at her, “Forget the friggin’ hormones!” Which is why I’m glad Dr. Werner was there to save me from myself.
“Let me tell you a proven fact.” Dr. Werner said. “Ok. This is a proven fact: The more ice cream that City Market sells, the more likely it is that you will be sexually assaulted.” He sat back, crossed his arms, and savored our befuddled looks. “The more ice cream that City Market sells,” he said again, but slower, “the more likely it is that you will be sexually assaulted.”
My wife spoke first. “What? Is there something about dairy?”
We all chuckled. “No,” Dr. Werner answered. “Sexual assault is more likely to occur in the summertime. Ice cream sells more in the summer. So, the more ice cream that City Market sells, the more likely it is that you will be sexually assaulted. The key is when you first hear something to bore down and really find out what the relationship is.”
In other words, we had just heard a perfect (Doctor’s word!) fetal heartbeat on a small ultrasound machine that the doctor didn’t even think would work. So the zebra had reared it’s ugly head once again. Once again, we sent the zebra on it’s merry way.
So, the next time you hear some ‘fact’ on the television or internet that you feel could possibly upset or influence your family, remember the Ice Cream and Sexual Assault Connection. Make sure you do your research and dig just a little deeper.
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Tags: Dr. Werner, ice cream, Pregnancy, sexual assault, zebra
